What Your Ski Tracks Say About You

Everyone will leave tracks in the snow. But what do yours say about you? We take a light hearted look at tracks.

You have never skied before but that’s not going to stop you from breaking some bones! Clad in two pairs of jeans and a wool coat, you will travel in a perfectly straight line, reaching speeds known only to Navy test pilots, and when it’s time to stop you will simply fall over, creating an atom bomb snow crater.

You are a little kid whose negligent parents have forced you onto the slopes at an age when you have just mastered wiping your ass, simply so that they could indulge their love of winter sports. They dumped you in ski school and headed off for the summit. You have spent all day with similarly neglected children, freezing, trying to follow behind the local weed-dealer-turned-pee-wee-ski-instructor. You and your fellow detainees have lost most of your gear along the bunny slope in the process of learning how to pizza/French fry, but don’t worry: it will all be worth it when you get to listen to your mom and dad complain about their knees later!

Everybody make way for the Olympian! You ski with your knees locked together like a girl riding the Tokyo subway. You despise snowboarders, families and anyone who doesn’t treat going down the blue line like an Olympic event. Later on you will treat everyone in the lodge to loud comments about how expensive your boots are.

Just because you are not in the terrain park, doesn’t mean you can’t jump off everything you see, right? You are getting inches of air of the smallest bumps in the snow and can get 540 degrees rotation off half an inch of air. You might even make your friends take pictures of you as you hit this “massive kicker” you found, which is really a buried tree root.

By Will Smith